My Honest Reflections

It has been nearly two months since I've written. April was a very hard month. I lost all my hair pretty rapidly. I was optimistic about taking medication to stop the shed but it just came too fast. I shaved my head and got a new wig. It took me a while to adjust to seeing this new version of me. And if I'm honest, it still is.

It was also the first time on this journey that I uttered the words, “I’m tired”. Tired of it all. The end was not in sight and that finally got to me. I did all the things I was supposed to, but I was also wrestling with deep sadness.

At the end of April, I finally got some positive news. The medicine was working and my cancer numbers had come down significantly. I needed this jolt to get motivated again. It came right before a trip and was the best way to begin a week of relaxation. I had originally planned this trip last year to celebrate the end of cancer and was disappointed it would no longer signify that milestone. But I quickly got over that bump and had a glorious week away.

We got back last week and I went right into treatment. I started my fourth cycle last Friday and am over the halfway mark for chemo. On the one hand, I have the appointments down to a science between work, emails and visits. On the other, the cumulative effect of the drug has been wearing me down.

At this week’s oncology appointment, I was told to prepare for chemo after surgery as well. I thought this year would be just like last: chemo, surgery, radiation. Although the medicine is working and the numbers are trending in the right direction, my oncologist wants to be vigilant about fighting with everything we have to ensure the cancer does not return. This is for two reasons. I already completed the standard treatment protocol last year. I am now in uncharted territory which means there is no research to tell us what comes next. We have to rely on scans, blood work and hope.

This would mean that I would continue to be in treatments through spring of next year. I was sad to hear this but also understand her desire to be aggressive. Taking precaution generally implies constantly moving the goal post. I am still processing this and I know it will all be OK. I continue to have things to look forward to and be hopeful about. But today’s post was an honest reflection of my current mood which is of someone who is extremely lucky to have options but also extremely tired from the physical and mental load of it all.

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